I have this problem: I can’t let go. Stuff bothers from earlier in the day, earlier in the week, month, year, decade, etc. I think you get the picture.

On a recent date, I was asked about my passions, how I wanted to be remembered, and what I wanted out of life. I was at a loss for words. I didn’t have an answer for any of those queries. My date couldn’t believe that. All she talked about was how much she traveled and how she didn’t want to settle. She couldn’t believe that I’ve only been to Mexico and that I was nearly 30 by the time I actually I did leave the United States. I actually apologized.

I had plans to do three weeks in Europe this past September, but I took a new job in the last 12 months and lost any kind of vacation time. I could’ve done a week but couldn’t justify the cost for such a short time period.

As far as passions, I don’t really have any. I have the attention span of a gnat and get bored really easily. I don’t feed the poor or recycle (CRV doesn’t count). I have complete and total disdain for all politics, and the people who live every moment of their based on a political affiliation. I don’t try to save the dolphins, dogs, cats, etc. I just exist and try to make it to the next day. I’m not one of those “live every day like it’s your last” kind of guys. I’m just your average, really boring guy. I use to be passionate about web design, but it’s my job. At one point, I wanted a CSS hack named after me, but I finally all the decent hacks have been discovered by people that don’t actually work in the trenches and sit around and think about it all day.

This leads to how I want to be remembered. Does writing late night, self-loathing blog posts on my iPhone count? Didn’t think so. I guess I’d like to be remembered as a good friend and confidant. I don’t see myself inventing anything or coming up with an awesome CSS hack. Would I say I’ve lived a life? I don’t know. I’m only 33. I still have a lot of life to live. Does this mean I should extensively travel? Absolutely not. I don’t think one has to do with the other. It’s selfish and pretentious to think that you’re better than me because you’ve visited every continent including Antarctica. Have you ever sat in a bar in small town Iowa to have a beer with the locals? I’ve always said I haven’t seen enough of this country to want to leave it.

Finally, what do I want out of life? I’d like to move one more time and settle where ever I end up. I’d like to get married and have a kid or two. Honestly, I don’t see marriage happening any time soon. I’m a difficult person to be around. I have equal parts of my mother and father informing my personality. My moodiness, temper, and self-loathing all come from them. I’m passive agressive, bottle up my emotions, and have a debilitating fear of rejection. I’m very apathetic but like to push people’s buttons. I’ve been told I should see a shrink, and I guess it’d be nice to have someone to talk to. I just don’t see the point.

Well, it’s 2am, and I should be in dreamland. I’ll probably regret posting this come the morning.